How I Met Your Mother Season 1 Episode 4
General Information Subtitles 1 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:17,942 Kids, when you're single all you're looking for is happily ever after. 2 00:00:17,942 --> 00:00:20,531 but only one of your stories can end that way. 3 00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:22,865 The rest end with someone getting hurt. 4 00:00:23,316 --> 00:00:27,556 This is one of those stories, and it starts with a shirt. 5 00:00:27,556 --> 00:00:28,542 A shirt? 6 00:00:28,542 --> 00:00:33,476 Just listen, because none of this would have happened if it hadn't been for that shirt. 7 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:38,553 Nice shirt. 8 00:00:38,553 --> 00:00:41,549 - Right? Right? - Look at those colors. 9 00:00:41,549 --> 00:00:43,391 Green and brown, together at last. 10 00:00:43,391 --> 00:00:45,469 Hot top, bro! Is it new? 11 00:00:45,469 --> 00:00:48,412 That's the crazy part. I've had this shirt for like six years. 12 00:00:48,412 --> 00:00:50,119 Until this morning, I wasn't into it at all, 13 00:00:50,119 --> 00:00:52,457 but now, it's like my tastes have changed. 14 00:00:52,457 --> 00:00:54,823 - Booger. - Yes, hello, Barney. 15 00:00:54,823 --> 00:00:59,056 Barney's offered me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report. 16 00:00:59,056 --> 00:01:01,632 Not some stupid word-- "booger." 17 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,409 But I'm not doing it. I am a journalist. 18 00:01:04,409 --> 00:01:05,917 What?! Journalist?! 19 00:01:05,917 --> 00:01:08,588 You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. 20 00:01:08,588 --> 00:01:12,579 Old people. Babies. Monkeys. That's not journalism. 21 00:01:12,579 --> 00:01:14,651 That's just... things in a diaper. 22 00:01:15,250 --> 00:01:18,770 For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to... 23 00:01:18,770 --> 00:01:20,733 the city hall beat. 24 00:01:20,733 --> 00:01:23,071 City hall? Miss Thing. 25 00:01:23,071 --> 00:01:26,883 So I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks. 26 00:01:26,883 --> 00:01:28,139 Of course not. 27 00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:32,516 'cause now you're saying "nipple," and it's a hundred. 28 00:01:32,900 --> 00:01:36,051 Step into my web. 29 00:01:37,853 --> 00:01:39,091 Whose bourbon is this? 30 00:01:39,091 --> 00:01:41,665 Ooh, I don't know. It was here when we sat down. 31 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:45,189 The point is... I seem to like bourbon now. 32 00:01:45,189 --> 00:01:46,920 I could've sworn I hated bourbon. 33 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,987 First the shirt, now bourbon. 34 00:01:48,987 --> 00:01:51,916 I spent 27 years making up my mind about things, right? 35 00:01:51,916 --> 00:01:53,695 The movie I saw once and hated; 36 00:01:53,695 --> 00:01:56,590 the city I'll never go back to 'cause it was raining the day I visited. 37 00:01:56,590 --> 00:01:59,507 Maybe it's time to start forming some second impressions. 38 00:01:59,507 --> 00:02:02,281 You're finally gonna watch Goonies again? 39 00:02:02,281 --> 00:02:04,576 "Sloth love Chunk." 40 00:02:05,295 --> 00:02:07,412 Not Goonies-- girls. 41 00:02:07,412 --> 00:02:08,924 What if there's someone from my past 42 00:02:08,924 --> 00:02:11,358 who I thought was wrong for me at the time, 43 00:02:11,358 --> 00:02:15,479 when in fact she, like this shirt, is actually a perfect fit? 44 00:02:15,479 --> 00:02:16,244 Hold up. 45 00:02:16,244 --> 00:02:19,253 There are only two reasons to ever date a girl you've already dated: 46 00:02:19,253 --> 00:02:21,483 Breast... implants. 47 00:02:21,483 --> 00:02:23,490 You know, this isn't a bad idea. 48 00:02:23,895 --> 00:02:26,470 Let's think... Ted's greatest hits. 49 00:02:26,987 --> 00:02:29,221 What about that girl Steph? 50 00:02:29,221 --> 00:02:30,804 Steph... 51 00:02:30,804 --> 00:02:32,830 Okay, this is difficult to say: 52 00:02:32,830 --> 00:02:40,196 Back when I lived in L.A., I was pretty broke so I spent a month making adult films. 53 00:02:40,516 --> 00:02:44,477 Wow. Okay... H-How many did you make? 54 00:02:44,477 --> 00:02:46,083 A hundred and seventy-five. 55 00:02:48,397 --> 00:02:52,103 Say what you will about the porn industry, they're hard workers. 56 00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:55,259 What about that chick, um... Jackie? 57 00:02:55,644 --> 00:02:58,884 ...and my bathing suit had fallen completely off. 58 00:02:59,425 --> 00:03:01,491 I know the feeling. Once... 59 00:03:01,491 --> 00:03:05,809 when I was 16, I was driving, and I hit this hitchhiker. 60 00:03:05,809 --> 00:03:08,819 Don't know what happened to him-- just kept driving. 61 00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:12,809 Uh... no. 62 00:03:12,809 --> 00:03:15,638 What about Natalie? 63 00:03:15,638 --> 00:03:18,238 Natalie... 64 00:03:18,238 --> 00:03:21,063 - Who's Natalie? - Natalie. 65 00:03:21,063 --> 00:03:23,553 I had so many fond memories of her: 66 00:03:23,907 --> 00:03:28,610 The tea candles on her dresser, the sock monkey collection on her bed, 67 00:03:28,610 --> 00:03:33,970 that one Belle & Sebastian song she always listened to, her smile... 68 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,659 Man, I haven't seen her in, like, three years. 69 00:03:37,659 --> 00:03:38,981 Well, why'd you guys break up? 70 00:03:38,981 --> 00:03:40,718 I just wasn't looking for a big commitment at the time. 71 00:03:40,718 --> 00:03:42,815 Of course, now a big commitment doesn't seem so bad. 72 00:03:42,815 --> 00:03:45,198 Maybe I should call her. What do you guys think? 73 00:03:45,198 --> 00:03:48,784 You dumped a porn star? 74 00:03:48,784 --> 00:03:53,249 Friendship over. Friendship over! 75 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,188 Come in! 76 00:03:57,188 --> 00:03:58,708 All right, get back to me, then. 77 00:03:58,708 --> 00:04:01,434 - You wanted to see me, Mr. Adams. - Yes, I did. 78 00:04:01,434 --> 00:04:03,655 I need you to cover a story. 79 00:04:04,181 --> 00:04:05,766 It's down at city hall. 80 00:04:05,766 --> 00:04:09,221 City hall? Oh, my God. 81 00:04:10,396 --> 00:04:13,011 So, next time you're passing city hall, 82 00:04:13,011 --> 00:04:16,230 make sure and stop by New York's oldest hot dog cart. 83 00:04:16,230 --> 00:04:19,310 Today, a delicious hot dog will cost you $2.50, 84 00:04:19,310 --> 00:04:22,765 but back when the stand first opened, in 1955, 85 00:04:22,765 --> 00:04:25,224 you could get one for only a nipple. 86 00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:29,360 Reporting live, Robin Trubotsky, Metro News One. 87 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:31,152 I said "nipple" on the news. 88 00:04:31,152 --> 00:04:34,727 That was so unprofessional! I said "nipple" on the news! 89 00:04:34,727 --> 00:04:37,050 At least it's better than "booger." 90 00:04:37,691 --> 00:04:39,153 Booger. 91 00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:42,527 There she is. 92 00:04:42,852 --> 00:04:44,186 Hey, is it cold in here? 93 00:04:44,186 --> 00:04:46,739 'Cause I can kinda see Robin's nickels. 94 00:04:48,450 --> 00:04:50,738 Now, for your next challenge... 95 00:04:50,738 --> 00:04:53,893 There is not going to be another challenge. I don't care how much you offer me. 96 00:04:53,893 --> 00:04:56,678 Oh, search your soul, Robin. 97 00:04:56,678 --> 00:04:58,485 You and I both know this wasn't about the money. 98 00:04:58,485 --> 00:05:01,138 Sure, Metro News One pays you jack, 99 00:05:01,138 --> 00:05:06,177 and, hey, a little green salad on the side is good for you, me, and Mr. McGee. 100 00:05:06,177 --> 00:05:08,500 Seriously, who talks like that? 101 00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:11,872 What baby really likes is the thrill of pulling one over 102 00:05:11,872 --> 00:05:14,605 on those bean-counters who underappreciate you, 103 00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:16,618 and still haven't promoted you, 104 00:05:16,618 --> 00:05:19,447 and so for two more hundie sticks, 105 00:05:19,447 --> 00:05:23,244 baby's going to look in the camera and say this. 106 00:05:26,027 --> 00:05:27,755 I'm just assuming. 107 00:05:28,256 --> 00:05:30,049 I gotta get back twork. 108 00:05:30,929 --> 00:05:32,572 - See ya. - Bye. 109 00:05:32,572 --> 00:05:34,609 Baby's gonna think about it. 110 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,028 Found it! I found Natalie's number. 111 00:05:40,028 --> 00:05:43,988 Hey, Ted! Nice shirt! Is it yesterday already? 112 00:05:44,788 --> 00:05:46,964 I am calling her. 113 00:05:46,964 --> 00:05:49,938 This is crazy. I haven't talked to her in, like, three years. 114 00:05:49,938 --> 00:05:52,342 Wonder if she even remembers me. 115 00:05:54,615 --> 00:05:56,738 - Hello? - Natalie. 116 00:05:56,738 --> 00:06:00,033 - It's Ted Mosby. - Go to hell. 117 00:06:03,317 --> 00:06:05,776 She remembers me. 118 00:06:08,247 --> 00:06:10,605 Why would Natalie hang up on you? 119 00:06:10,605 --> 00:06:13,029 - I don't know. - Did you sleep with her sister? 120 00:06:13,029 --> 00:06:13,934 No. 121 00:06:13,934 --> 00:06:16,038 - Did you sleep with her mom? - No. 122 00:06:16,038 --> 00:06:18,173 I'm losing interest in your story. 123 00:06:19,208 --> 00:06:22,949 Well, you must have done something. Why did you guys break up? 124 00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:25,310 He wasn't ready for a commitment. 125 00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:29,772 And her birthday might've been coming up. 126 00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:34,849 Okay, so I didn't want to get a boyfriend-level gift for a girl I was just about to break up with. 127 00:06:34,849 --> 00:06:37,259 So you dumped her right before her birthday? 128 00:06:37,259 --> 00:06:41,348 No, I didn't dump her right before her birthday. 129 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:47,046 Natalie! Hey. Happy birthday. 130 00:06:48,110 --> 00:06:49,317 Listen... : 131 00:06:49,317 --> 00:06:53,930 - Never break up with a girl on her birthday! - Lily, please! The shirt! 132 00:06:53,930 --> 00:06:56,126 I know! It was a mistake! 133 00:06:56,126 --> 00:06:59,654 - Well, did she cry her eyes out? - I don't know. 134 00:06:59,654 --> 00:07:01,593 How do you not...?! 135 00:07:02,443 --> 00:07:07,181 - You didn't. - Natalie! Hey, happy birthday. 136 00:07:08,750 --> 00:07:10,192 Listen... 137 00:07:11,793 --> 00:07:15,557 You're awesome. You really are. 138 00:07:15,557 --> 00:07:16,878 Awesome. 139 00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:19,702 I'm just like super-busy right now, so... 140 00:07:19,702 --> 00:07:23,295 maybe we should just... call it a day. 141 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,387 But you're awesome. 142 00:07:26,387 --> 00:07:28,826 On her answering machine!? 143 00:07:28,826 --> 00:07:31,089 - And on her birthday?! - Lily, come on. 144 00:07:31,089 --> 00:07:35,873 Oh, who breaks up with somebody on their answering machine on her birthday?! 145 00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:37,756 Yeah, dude. E-mail. 146 00:07:38,112 --> 00:07:41,338 Not exactly the point I was trying to make, Marshall. 147 00:07:41,338 --> 00:07:44,258 That is a terrible way to break up with someone. 148 00:07:44,258 --> 00:07:45,770 Okay, in my client's defense, 149 00:07:45,770 --> 00:07:48,725 is there an unterrible way to break up with somebody? No. 150 00:07:48,725 --> 00:07:53,248 Personally, I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine than face the humiliation in person. 151 00:07:53,248 --> 00:07:55,248 It's the least painful way you can do it. 152 00:07:55,248 --> 00:07:57,486 - Who are you calling? - Hi, Marshall, it Lily. 153 00:07:57,486 --> 00:08:01,086 We're not gonna have sex for at least a month, but you're awesome. 154 00:08:01,086 --> 00:08:02,419 Okay, bye-bye. 155 00:08:03,039 --> 00:08:06,191 No, that was a big mistake, Ted. You should've done it in person. 156 00:08:06,191 --> 00:08:07,287 Thank you. 157 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:10,954 Desperate, please-don't-leave-me sex is amazing. 158 00:08:11,535 --> 00:08:14,155 Okay, it was childish and stupid. I just... 159 00:08:14,155 --> 00:08:15,472 I didn't want to see her cry. 160 00:08:15,472 --> 00:08:18,187 Well, guess what? She cried. 161 00:08:18,187 --> 00:08:20,915 You just didn't have the sack to face those tears. 162 00:08:20,915 --> 00:08:22,432 That was me then, okay? 163 00:08:22,432 --> 00:08:25,803 This is the new, old-shirt- wearing, sack-having Ted. 164 00:08:25,803 --> 00:08:27,155 I'm gonna make this right. 165 00:08:27,155 --> 00:08:27,850 You know what else? 166 00:08:27,850 --> 00:08:30,800 "My younger sister just got married and I'm about to turn 30" sex. 167 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,843 Fantastic. 168 00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:36,605 An occasion that was supposed to be joyous, 169 00:08:36,605 --> 00:08:39,770 suddenly turned tragic when Ethel and Sadie Margolis, 170 00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:43,608 New York's oldest twins, suddenly passed away on this, 171 00:08:43,608 --> 00:08:46,482 the eve of their 100th birthday. 172 00:08:46,482 --> 00:08:49,262 I'm a dirty, dirty girl. 173 00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:55,131 Reporting live, Robin Trubotsky, Metro News One. 174 00:08:55,131 --> 00:08:56,402 Clear. 175 00:08:57,550 --> 00:09:01,353 Joel Adams wants to see you in his office. 176 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:03,683 Before you say anything, 177 00:09:03,683 --> 00:09:07,235 I just want to say I really like working here at Metro News One. 178 00:09:07,235 --> 00:09:13,033 - That's great. - So, my dog keeps going... 179 00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:16,557 - What's...? - What? You have dogs, right? 180 00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:18,144 What do you think that means? 181 00:09:18,144 --> 00:09:20,398 Take him to the vet? 182 00:09:20,989 --> 00:09:22,376 Genius. 183 00:09:22,376 --> 00:09:24,249 That's one I owe you. 184 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,139 - Was that all? - Yeah. 185 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:30,904 And nothing about the twins story? 186 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,499 Oh, yeah, great job on that one. 187 00:09:32,499 --> 00:09:35,545 New York loves you. You're a superstar. Bye-bye. 188 00:09:36,937 --> 00:09:42,308 That's when Robin realized that no one, not even her boss, watched Metro News One. 189 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:59,540 Natalie! Come on! I just want to say I'm sorry. 190 00:09:59,540 --> 00:10:01,858 I only came down here 'cause you wouldn't take my call. 191 00:10:01,858 --> 00:10:03,406 Hey, here's an idea-- 192 00:10:03,406 --> 00:10:05,761 Why don't you leave a message? 193 00:10:07,446 --> 00:10:08,658 Good one. 194 00:10:08,658 --> 00:10:12,284 Okay, fine, I'm just going to leave this sock monkey here. 195 00:10:12,284 --> 00:10:14,338 Good-bye. 196 00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,116 Look, look, look. 197 00:10:21,116 --> 00:10:24,316 I know you're mad, but... happy birthday. 198 00:10:24,316 --> 00:10:26,449 - Three years ago. - Oh, yeah? 199 00:10:26,449 --> 00:10:28,415 Up yours three years ago. 200 00:10:28,415 --> 00:10:31,429 Look, look, I was an idiot leaving that message. 201 00:10:31,429 --> 00:10:33,432 I realize how much that sucked. 202 00:10:33,731 --> 00:10:35,529 No, you don't. 203 00:10:35,529 --> 00:10:38,663 Maybe we should just call it a day. 204 00:10:39,144 --> 00:10:42,068 But you're awesome. 205 00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,923 Okay, bye. 206 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,067 Surprise. 207 00:10:50,387 --> 00:10:52,696 There was a surprise party that night? 208 00:10:52,696 --> 00:10:54,233 How come nobody told me? 209 00:10:54,233 --> 00:10:57,467 People think I can't keep a secret, but I totally can. 210 00:10:58,018 --> 00:10:59,700 Sorry, not the issue. 211 00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:03,852 Look, Natalie, I was just a stupid kid back then, terrified of commitment. 212 00:11:03,852 --> 00:11:07,202 And I suppose you're suddenly ready to get married and settle down. 213 00:11:07,532 --> 00:11:09,425 Well, yeah, actually. 214 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,522 I'm a different guy now. 215 00:11:12,427 --> 00:11:14,164 Give me another chance, huh? 216 00:11:14,164 --> 00:11:17,263 You must think I have absolutely no self-respect. 217 00:11:17,263 --> 00:11:19,937 Come on, just a cup of coffee. 218 00:11:21,750 --> 00:11:25,239 Please, Natalie. Give the guy a chance. 219 00:11:25,613 --> 00:11:28,388 Self-respect is overrated. 220 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:40,351 Maybe it was the caffeine, but you really brought your game up to a whole new level. 221 00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:41,482 Thanks. 222 00:11:41,482 --> 00:11:43,836 I did just start subscribing to Esquire. 223 00:11:43,836 --> 00:11:45,593 They have some helpful columns. 224 00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:49,924 The following is from the October issue. 225 00:11:51,113 --> 00:11:53,340 So Natalie and I started dating again. 226 00:11:53,340 --> 00:11:55,750 And just like that, it all came back. 227 00:11:55,750 --> 00:11:58,914 The tea candles... the sock monkeys... 228 00:11:58,914 --> 00:12:01,497 Belle and Sebastian, all of it. 229 00:12:01,497 --> 00:12:04,778 It seemed like happily ever after wasn't far off. 230 00:12:05,148 --> 00:12:08,061 Well, I better run. I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour. 231 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:11,404 Krav Maga. How cool is it that she does Krav Maga? 232 00:12:11,404 --> 00:12:13,036 Thanks, honey. 233 00:12:14,112 --> 00:12:16,741 - Bye, guys. - Bye! - Take it easy. 234 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,257 Dude, what's Krav Maga? 235 00:12:19,257 --> 00:12:21,703 I have no idea. Some kind of yoga? 236 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,531 You know, that Natalie, she's good times. 237 00:12:24,531 --> 00:12:26,458 Yeah, she's, like, the best girl you've dated in years. 238 00:12:26,458 --> 00:12:28,952 - Yeah, Ted, hold on to that one. - Yeah. 239 00:12:28,952 --> 00:12:31,279 I have to break up with her. 240 00:12:35,900 --> 00:12:38,494 I don't get it, man. Natalie's awesome. 241 00:12:38,494 --> 00:12:41,800 I know, she's terrific, but I have to break up with her. 242 00:12:42,987 --> 00:12:46,427 Why couldn't you leave that poor girl alone? 243 00:12:46,427 --> 00:12:47,958 I know. I hate this. 244 00:12:47,958 --> 00:12:49,588 These past three weeks have been great. 245 00:12:49,588 --> 00:12:53,093 I should be in love with her, but I'm not feeling that thing. 246 00:12:53,093 --> 00:12:56,439 - It's ineffable. - Ineffable. 247 00:12:56,439 --> 00:12:57,701 Good word. 248 00:12:58,004 --> 00:12:59,476 So when are you going to do it? 249 00:12:59,476 --> 00:13:00,962 She's probably on the subway by now. 250 00:13:00,962 --> 00:13:02,346 You could call her voice mail: 251 00:13:02,346 --> 00:13:04,992 Beep! "Dumped." Click. Done. 252 00:13:05,937 --> 00:13:07,712 No, I have to do this face-to-face. 253 00:13:07,712 --> 00:13:09,223 I just, I don't know what I'm going to say. 254 00:13:09,223 --> 00:13:11,246 "I'm not ready for a commitment." 255 00:13:11,246 --> 00:13:14,853 - Oh, that's such a cliché. - It's not a cliché, it's a classic. 256 00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:17,472 It's the "Stairway to Heaven" of breakup lines. 257 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,306 Well, I think Natalie deserves better. 258 00:13:20,306 --> 00:13:23,055 Better. There's no "better" in breaking up. 259 00:13:23,055 --> 00:13:26,817 There's only "less awful." A cliché is a cliché for a reason. 260 00:13:27,227 --> 00:13:28,765 - It's comforting. - It doesn't matter. 261 00:13:28,765 --> 00:13:31,500 I already told her I am ready for a commitment, so... 262 00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:34,441 Oh, my God. There's no way out. I'm gonna have to marry her. 263 00:13:34,441 --> 00:13:36,755 No, no, we're gonna get you out of this. 264 00:13:36,755 --> 00:13:40,552 Okay, how about... "It's not you, it's me"? 265 00:13:40,552 --> 00:13:42,696 Mm, mm, six words-- 266 00:13:42,696 --> 00:13:45,721 "You look fat in those jeans." You're free to go. 267 00:13:46,773 --> 00:13:49,958 Ted, have you considered telling her the truth? 268 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,484 Seriously, honey, men are working here. 269 00:13:54,965 --> 00:13:58,301 Ted, what is the truth? Why do you want to break up with her? 270 00:13:58,301 --> 00:14:00,726 The truth? She's not the one. 271 00:14:00,726 --> 00:14:03,477 - So tell her that. - Oh, you can't tell her that. 272 00:14:03,477 --> 00:14:04,608 That's horrible. 273 00:14:04,608 --> 00:14:07,182 Why? What is so horrible about that? 274 00:14:07,182 --> 00:14:10,980 Yeah, what is so horrible about that? She's not the one. 275 00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:13,113 Why is that such a heartbreaking thing to hear? 276 00:14:13,113 --> 00:14:17,483 The chances of one person being another person's "the one" are, like, six billion-to-one. 277 00:14:17,483 --> 00:14:20,149 Yeah, you have better chances of winning the lottery. 278 00:14:20,149 --> 00:14:21,360 Exactly! 279 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,324 You wouldn't take it personally if you lost the lottery. 280 00:14:23,324 --> 00:14:25,178 All right, man, tell her the truth. 281 00:14:25,178 --> 00:14:26,867 She's gonna cry. 282 00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:30,082 Yeah, and he's gonna sit there and he's gonna take it like a man. 283 00:14:30,082 --> 00:14:31,856 I have to do the mature thing. 284 00:14:31,856 --> 00:14:33,182 Want to talk mature? 285 00:14:33,182 --> 00:14:37,718 I just wrapped up a live newscast by honking my own boobs. 286 00:14:38,140 --> 00:14:40,954 And great TV was had by all. 287 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:45,013 All right, Trubotsky, new challenge, and this one's big. 288 00:14:45,013 --> 00:14:47,127 But so is the cash reward. 289 00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:50,535 For $1,000-- you heard me-- 290 00:14:50,535 --> 00:14:54,168 all you have to do is get up there on the news and do one of these. 291 00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:04,231 - What the hell is that? - The Ickey Shuffle. 292 00:15:04,231 --> 00:15:06,596 And as you do it, you say this: 293 00:15:06,596 --> 00:15:11,176 Elbert "Icky" Woods, the Bengals were fools to cut you in '91. 294 00:15:11,176 --> 00:15:15,776 Your 1,525 rushing yards and your 27 touchdowns will not be forgotten. 295 00:15:15,776 --> 00:15:20,722 So Coach Dave Shula, screw you and your crappy steakhouse. 296 00:15:21,913 --> 00:15:24,097 Just write it down for me. 297 00:15:24,447 --> 00:15:25,078 What do I care? 298 00:15:25,078 --> 00:15:26,962 It's not like anyone's watching, anyway, right? 299 00:15:29,674 --> 00:15:32,021 Man, she's gonna cry. 300 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,327 It's the law of love, chunk. 301 00:15:36,858 --> 00:15:38,586 Thanks, Lil. 302 00:15:39,253 --> 00:15:43,653 So, the next night, I took Natalie out to dinner... to do the mature thing. 303 00:15:44,173 --> 00:15:46,893 Look, uh, Natalie, there's something I have to say. 304 00:15:46,893 --> 00:15:48,676 Oh, wait, wait. There's something I have to say first. 305 00:15:48,676 --> 00:15:53,883 Today, at work, I had not one, not two, but three birthday cakes. 306 00:15:53,883 --> 00:15:56,406 So tonight, can we just skip the cake? 307 00:15:56,977 --> 00:15:58,299 Today's your birthday? 308 00:15:58,299 --> 00:16:01,006 Yeah. No, it's okay, I wasn't telling anyone about it. 309 00:16:01,006 --> 00:16:02,979 Today's your birthday! 310 00:16:02,979 --> 00:16:04,321 I... 311 00:16:06,324 --> 00:16:07,978 I didn't get you anything. 312 00:16:07,978 --> 00:16:09,590 Oh, it's okay. 313 00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:12,886 You know, you've already given me the bt present of all. 314 00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:16,844 I can trust again. 315 00:16:19,296 --> 00:16:20,549 You're welcome. 316 00:16:26,018 --> 00:16:27,863 Oh, sir, much more wine. 317 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:39,147 Henry, as New York's oldest hansom cab driver, you've seen quite a lot. 318 00:16:39,147 --> 00:16:43,518 In your past 60 years on the job, what is your most exciting memory? 319 00:16:44,258 --> 00:16:47,043 - Well... - Ah, this is it. 320 00:16:47,043 --> 00:16:48,700 Oh, boy, here we go. 321 00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:51,261 Everyone, everyone, if I may direct your attention to the television. 322 00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:53,526 You are about to see something amazing. 323 00:16:53,526 --> 00:17:01,756 And then, in '72, Mickey Mantle rode my cab for the fourth time. 324 00:17:01,756 --> 00:17:04,256 Come on, baby. Bring it home. 325 00:17:04,256 --> 00:17:07,394 But the most exciting moment-- 326 00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:11,192 that would have to be this one, right now. 327 00:17:11,192 --> 00:17:12,559 What? 328 00:17:12,559 --> 00:17:15,736 Look at me. I'm on TV. 329 00:17:15,736 --> 00:17:19,224 I never thought I'd have my story told. 330 00:17:19,984 --> 00:17:23,221 Thank you, Miss Robin Trubotsky. 331 00:17:23,221 --> 00:17:24,737 Thank you. 332 00:17:24,737 --> 00:17:28,787 And right then, Aunt Robin realized how important her job truly was. 333 00:17:28,787 --> 00:17:31,504 It's an honor to tell your story, Henry. 334 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:36,464 You know, Metro News One may not be number one in viewership, 335 00:17:36,464 --> 00:17:40,432 but this reporter takes pride in... Whoa! Oh...! 336 00:17:40,432 --> 00:17:43,795 Oh, my God, I'm covered in horse crap! 337 00:17:44,707 --> 00:17:46,861 Oh, my God, it's in my hair. 338 00:17:46,861 --> 00:17:50,087 - You planned that? - No, Marshall. 339 00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:52,800 That was beyond my wildest dreams. 340 00:17:54,422 --> 00:17:56,566 So, if you ever come to Alabama, 341 00:17:56,566 --> 00:17:59,432 my mom throws the huge crawfish boils, 342 00:17:59,432 --> 00:18:01,998 and she's just dying to meet you, by the way. 343 00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:05,465 Look, Natalie, there's something I have to say, and, uh, there's no good way to say it. 344 00:18:06,543 --> 00:18:08,036 I want to break up. 345 00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:10,910 I don't think you're the one for me. 346 00:18:11,531 --> 00:18:15,038 I don't want to waste your time, because I really like you. 347 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:20,645 I want to do right by you, and I think the best way for me to do that is just to be honest. 348 00:18:20,645 --> 00:18:22,478 I'm sorry. 349 00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:26,961 Oh, God, just let it out. 350 00:18:27,571 --> 00:18:30,131 They're only tears. 351 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:37,308 I'm not the one for you?! 352 00:18:37,308 --> 00:18:39,704 I'm sorry, I just... I-I-I thought the mature thing to do... 353 00:18:39,704 --> 00:18:41,166 - It's my birthday! - Yes, I know. 354 00:18:41,166 --> 00:18:41,927 I didn't realize... 355 00:18:41,927 --> 00:18:45,985 It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?! 356 00:18:45,985 --> 00:18:48,881 It's really not such a big deal. I mean, the odds-- 357 00:18:48,881 --> 00:18:50,826 It's like you lost the lottery. 358 00:18:50,826 --> 00:18:53,111 Oh, so dating you is like winning the lottery?! 359 00:18:53,111 --> 00:18:54,479 No, no, no, no, I didn't mean that. 360 00:18:54,479 --> 00:18:58,633 - Okay, so what's the problem?! - I... I... I can't explain it. 361 00:18:58,633 --> 00:19:01,469 - Try! - It's... ineffable. 362 00:19:01,469 --> 00:19:04,359 I'm not effable? 363 00:19:04,359 --> 00:19:08,077 No, no, no, no. "Ineffable." Ineffable means it can't be explained. 364 00:19:08,077 --> 00:19:10,598 - Oh, so I'm stupid? - Oh, God, what's going on? 365 00:19:10,598 --> 00:19:17,020 Okay, what's going on is you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday, 366 00:19:17,020 --> 00:19:19,936 waited three years for me to get over you, 367 00:19:19,936 --> 00:19:22,382 tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, 368 00:19:22,382 --> 00:19:27,292 only so you could dump me three weeks later, again, on my birthday! 369 00:19:27,292 --> 00:19:29,767 No, it's-it's-it's not like that. 370 00:19:29,767 --> 00:19:32,277 - I'm just... it's-it's-it's... - What?! 371 00:19:32,277 --> 00:19:35,676 I'm just, like, so busy right now. 372 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,157 Remember when Natalie said... 373 00:19:38,157 --> 00:19:41,037 I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour. 374 00:19:41,037 --> 00:19:43,854 Turns out Krav Maga is not a kind of yoga. 375 00:19:43,854 --> 00:19:47,478 It's a form of guerilla street fighting developed by the Israeli army. 376 00:19:51,948 --> 00:19:55,365 This is compliments of those two gentlemen at the bar. 377 00:19:56,005 --> 00:19:57,669 My knee! 378 00:19:57,669 --> 00:20:00,114 It's in my hair! 379 00:20:02,207 --> 00:20:04,732 But isn't nice to know people are watching? 380 00:20:08,482 --> 00:20:10,838 Oh, my God. Are you all right? 381 00:20:10,838 --> 00:20:12,570 What happened to you? 382 00:20:13,141 --> 00:20:14,743 I told the truth. 383 00:20:14,743 --> 00:20:18,011 Turns out the truth has a mean roundhouse kick. 384 00:20:18,011 --> 00:20:19,374 Oh, man. 385 00:20:19,374 --> 00:20:21,157 Oh, well, you did the right thing. 386 00:20:21,157 --> 00:20:23,622 - I'm proud of you. - I'm bleeding internally. 387 00:20:24,184 --> 00:20:26,072 Hey, Ted, you know what always picks me up when I'm down? 388 00:20:26,072 --> 00:20:28,888 Other people's misfortune. You missed something so amazing. 389 00:20:28,888 --> 00:20:32,093 Please, can we just have one person in this whole bar who didn't see it? 390 00:20:32,093 --> 00:20:33,144 Fine. 391 00:20:33,927 --> 00:20:35,122 Are you okay? 392 00:20:35,745 --> 00:20:38,191 I really thought I was doing it the good way this time. 393 00:20:38,191 --> 00:20:40,054 I guess there is no good way. 394 00:20:40,503 --> 00:20:43,189 Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to do the right thing, 395 00:20:43,189 --> 00:20:45,092 you just end up flat on your back, 396 00:20:45,092 --> 00:20:47,831 flailing around in a big pile of horse crap. 397 00:20:47,831 --> 00:20:50,988 - You saw it? - My phone gets the Internet now. 398 00:20:55,593 --> 00:20:57,617 And that's how it ended with Natalie. 399 00:20:57,617 --> 00:21:00,389 No happily ever after, just a whole lot of hurt. 400 00:21:00,389 --> 00:21:05,702 And just like that, all those wonderful memories were replaced... by this one. 401 00:21:05,702 --> 00:21:09,741 But, you know, bad as that night was, within a year, Natalie was married. 402 00:21:09,741 --> 00:21:12,227 And now she has three beautiful children. 403 00:21:12,227 --> 00:21:14,020 So that's the upside of hurt. 404 00:21:14,020 --> 00:21:16,616 Sometimes it happens for a reason. 405 00:21:19,764 --> 00:21:21,689 So you got beat up by a girl? 406 00:21:22,072 --> 00:21:24,317 Is that all you're taking away from this story? 407 00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:27,044 You got beat up by a girl. 408 00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:30,409 Hey, she knew Krav Maga.